As we enter a new year, Roger Moore’s tenure on Bond is
winding down (only one more entry left after this one), and it sure shows.
I’ve had my complaints about Moore’s outings
as Bond –
Moonraker was mystifyingly
bad, while
For Your Eyes Only was a
forgettable step in the right direction – but
Octopussy really takes the cake as, no contest, the dullest Bond
yet.
James Bond (Roger Moore) is back in action after 009 dies
uncovering a fake jewelry trafficking ring in East Berlin.
Bond smokes out smuggler Kamal Khan (Louis
Jourdan) at an auction house and follows Khan to India, where he meets
Octopussy (Maud Adams) and her gang of female assassins.
While dodging Kamal Khan’s attempts to kill
him, Bond works to uncover a plot between Khan and the villainous Russian
General Orlov (Steven Berkoff, practically choking on the scenery as a villain
without a mustache to twirl).
The best thing I can say about
Octopussy is that John Barry’s soundtrack is first-rate as ever,
the kind of definitive Bond score that deserves a much better film.
I’m a huge believer in the idea that a soundtrack
can do much of the lifting in a film if the other elements don’t quite hit it,
and John Barry’s iconic work scoring Bond films automatically sets any entry
apart from the ones where Barry is absent.
If you were to listen to the score and imagine a Bond movie in your
head, it’d be a hit.
The execution on
Octopussy,
though, is execrable.
I’m really not
sure whether this or
Moonraker is
worse;
Moonraker has the “advantage”
of veering so far off the rails that it’s an unmitigated catastrophe, but at
least it had about an hour of somewhat engaging material.
In
Octopussy,
there’s honestly only one scene that didn’t bore me; like
Moonraker, I’d actually tried to watch
Octopussy once before but gave up.
And I can’t remember where I gave up because
nothing in Octopussy is memorable.
Honestly, I took notes during the film
because I knew it’d drop from my memory quickly and I had a hard enough time
paying attention because of how tragically boring the film is.
A big part of the problem is that Roger Moore has overstayed
his welcome.
Throughout his five
previous films, I’ve noted that there is a glimmer of Bond inside of him that
often seems smothered by the distinctly not-Bond films in which he’s starring,
but in
Octopussy we can’t help but
notice that (at 55) Moore looks and moves like an old man.
Indeed, much of the film’s glacial pace is
exacerbated by the fact that Bond never really moves quickly, even in moments
of peril.
His action scenes are dimmed
by his immobility, and his love scenes are unconvincing in their placidity.
(Compare to
Diamonds Are Forever, in which Sean Connery looked quite old but still
managed to capture that wry 007 glint in his eye.)
The plot doesn’t pick up any of the slack from Moore,
either.
Some of the initial set pieces
are based on Ian Fleming’s short stories, and the problem with adapting these
stories to film is that nothing really happens in them.
It’s incredibly boring to watch Bond observe
an auction on film because we don’t have his internal narration to follow (and
besides, Moore looks old enough that he might fall asleep in his seat).
Furthermore, stringing these stories together results
in an incredibly disjointed film experience that sees the plot veer sharply
between storylines that never quite hang together; consequently, the viewer
really needs to be paying attention to the tenuous links holding the plots
together (I’m still a little murky on when exactly the film switched from jewel
heist to mutually assured destruction).
As for that one scene that’s mildly compelling?
It’s right at the end of the film, when Louis
Jourdan finally becomes the villain the film deserves, converting his disdain
for Bond into actual hatred rather than just mere annoyance; simultaneously,
Bond struggles to maintain his grip on a small aircraft midflight.
It’s the kind of stunt that the film needed
more of – not the embarrassing clown costume, the cringeworthy Tarzan yell, the
grotesque stereotypes of India that are actually offensive (you’d think the
whole nation was one poverty-stricken slum through which white men literally
throw money around as a diversion).
The worst thing of all is that
Octopussy is not so exuberantly bad that it’s watchable.
Octopussy
never musters up the energy to be anything other than uninteresting.
In fact, the most exciting moment is when the
film actually ends and you can finally go to sleep.
Octopussy is rated
PG.
A woman is seen fully nude emerging
from a swimming pool, albeit at a great distance.
There are a few fistfights, shootouts, and
seductions, but all with the naughty bits kept out of frame.
The only blood in the film is seen when Bond
removes a leech from his chest.
James Bond and The Cinema King – and Sean Connery! – will
return in a review of
Never Say Never
Again (1983) on February 7, 2014!