Harsh Times (2005)

Chalk it up to whatever you wish - my status as a self-professed Bale-ophile, the fact that I normally don't have to try too hard to enjoy a movie, or the nine dollars that I spent on this movie as a blind buy - but I wish I could have enjoyed this movie more than I did. I myself am prepared to blame misleading expectations and a predominantly unsympathetic dramatis personae (and if that smacks of a thesis statement, it's those college days coming back to haunt me).

It had been explained to me as the story of an Iraq war veteran (Christian Bale) climbing to the top of the mafia, but that couldn't be more distant from the truth than Sean Penn's (in)famous aphorism "Jude Law is one of our finest." It seems to be the story of one man (Christian Bale) and his refusal to grow up, torn between job opportunity and a carefree life with his best friend (Freddy Rodriguez). I had expected the movie to be filled with moments like this:

Instead, it was filled with conflict between Rodriguez's character and his wife Sylvia, as played by Eva Longoria. Lord preserve us. Though Rodriguez was adequately gruff and mysterious in Planet Terror, here he's just uninspired. And Longoria couldn't be more emotionless, with an acting range so limited that even Keanu Reeves can do little but marvel "Whoa" at the sheer entropy.

Of course Christian Bale turns in a sterling performance, inhabiting the skin of Jim Davis as comfortably as Lock Martin zipped into the role of Gort in The Day the Earth Stood Still (I'm refusing to acknowledge the remake, I'm refusing to acknowledge the remake, I'm refusing...). Physical appearance aside, it's difficult to recognize that this is the same man who became (not merely acted as) Bruce Wayne, Dieter Dengler, and career definer Patrick Bateman. It's also near impossible to find fault with an actor of Bale's caliber, considering the full-on Bronson demonstrated by his substantial weight loss for the underrated Serling-esque The Machinist.

Unfortunately Bale is no miracle worker. Certainly his performance merits a viewing, but if only there were some way it could have been in a better vehicle. The script here is shoddy, marked by an embarassing overreliance on words like "ese" and "homie" to give a 'streets' feel to the whole thing. How Bale got his performance out of this movie, I'll never know.

Save your nine dollars and just watch that embedded YouTube clip again. Because honestly? That's the best scene of the movie (J.K. Simmons's near cameo notwithstanding).

Planet Terror (2007)

Director Robert Rodriguez has never been known for high cinema; indeed, most of his movies pride themselves on being ridiculously over-the-top and purely for entertainment value. Planet Terror (originally paired with Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof in the 2007 commercial disaster Grindhouse) is no different, with the exception of being the best of the unique genre of "trash film."

That's not to say that the movie is trash; it's an homage to the trash films of the 70s. Rodriguez's love of garbage culture really shows here, but I'm not sure he realizes that he's doing those movies one better.

Planet Terror is, in a way, the zombie movie to end all zombie movies (in fact, if I never have to see another "...of the Dead" movie at the box office, it'll be too soon). When Lt. Muldoon (Bruce Willis) and his men unleash a concentrated nerve gas on a small Texas town, a few distinct characters struggle for survival - former go-go dancer Cherry Darling (the absolutely stunning Rose McGowan), who's short one leg; the mysterious El Wray (Freddy Rodriguez - no relation), who's too good with a loaded gun; Sheriff Hague (Michael Biehn), who's after his brother JT's (spot-on Jeff Fahey) barbecue recipe; and Dr. Dakota Block (Marley Shelton), who's just managed to escape from her villainous husband Doc Block (Josh Brolin, who's better here than he is in No Country for Old Men).

Though the plot is clear and crisp, you'll probably be paying more attention to the intentionally grungy visuals, the strikingly hysterical dialogue, and the flashbulb-photographic memorable images. The entire film is digitally "enhanced" with scuffs, scratches, and pops on the screen, so it looks as though you're watching a degraded film reel. That sounds like an annoying effect, but its execution is nothing short of mood-setting brilliance.

Rodriguez, who always writes his own screenplays (with the exception, of course, of Sin City), is at the top of his game with this one. Planet Terror is fast-paced, action-packed, and funnier than a Jim Gaffigan marathon (okay, maybe not that funny, but you get the picture). A lot of the humor comes from the intentionally corny dialogue, with lines like "I'm gonna eat your brains... and gain your knowledge!" and "It's go-go, not cry-cry" among the many that have entered my own personal vocabulary.

Then there's the iconic image of Cherry Darling, her leg replaced with a machine gun. We return to that old Godard-ism that "All you need for a movie is a gun and a girl." Somehow, I doubt this is what Godard had in mind when he delivered that famous aphorism, but darned if it isn't a fulfillment of that theory! Ignoring the impossibility of the physics involved in Cherry shooting her leg, there's just something damned cool about her. Points to Rodriguez for a brilliantly cool shot where Cherry, after decimating an army of zombies, blows the smoke from her gun-leg's barrel and later dons a pair of tinted sunglasses with a tremendous explosion behind her. Phew... cool.

High cinema it ain't, but Planet Terror is most certainly one of the most entertaining movies of 2007. A wild ride from start to finish, the most fun I've had at a movie since I-can't-remember-when, Planet Terror is one of those movies that tries so hard to be liked - and succeeds.