Steel (1997) – I’ll
say this for Steel: while I don’t
remember Catwoman inspiring any
emotions beyond boredom and disgust, at least I had a smile on my face during Steel. Don’t get me wrong, this is an
absolutely terrible film, but it crosses that threshold into watchable garbage
that at least made me grin at how dumb it is. The film is nominally based on
the DC Comics character Steel, who dons a metal suit after being inspired by
Superman, but this iteration of Steel
is more like if Iron Man were a discount Robocop with a hammer (don’t worry,
Shaq doesn’t miss the opportunity to say “It’s hammer time”). Shaquille O’Neal
is ludicrously cast as John Henry Irons, a military weapons genius who builds
his own arsenal to protect the streets when a former soldier (Judd Nelson) goes
rogue with John Henry’s designs. Shaq was clearly cast because of his great
height, but neither his athletic nor acting prowesses are on display here. No
fewer than four times, the film trots out a tired gag in which Shaq is supposed
to be bad at free throws; perhaps worse, Shaq demonstrates tremendous
difficulty with words longer than four syllables (it’s all over when he tries
to say the word “capacitor”). Annabeth Gish appears in a surprisingly progressive
supporting role as Sparks, a paralyzed Army vet who becomes Steel’s tech
support, but then the film puts rocket launchers on her wheelchair. The action
sequences are rubbish, largely because the crew couldn’t find a stuntman tall
enough to stand in for Shaq, and the performances are comparably lackluster (Richard
Roundtree shows up, and yes, there’s a “shaft” joke). Every once in a while, Steel is heroically stupid, which makes
for an entertaining bit of relief in an otherwise mercilessly poor film.That does it for this week’s edition of “Monday at the Movies.” We’ll see you next week!
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